Whatever It Takes
by stitcher2ficcer
Summary: Gojyo and Hakkai struggle with the emotional aftermath of the traumatic events in Xparrot's Remembering to Breathe. A story told in six sets of four drabbles, one per set from each of the four's points of view. GojyoxHakkai, some GokuxSanzo.
1. Distress

This story is intended as a sequel to Xparrot's **_Remembering to Breathe_** and takes place in a time-line after my **_Awakenings_**. It is an experiment in story-telling for me, told in a series of six sets of four 100-word drabbles. I don't think it's necessary to read either of the preceding stories to enjoy this one, but some details might make more sense if you have. If you haven't, it might help to know that in **_Awakenings_** Goku does quite a lot of growing up and Gojyo/Hakkai and Goku/Sanzo become couples; in **_Remembering to Breathe,_** the Sanzo-Ikkou suffer traumatic events which impact their relationships. This story tells one aspect of Hakkai's & Gojyo's difficulties during the emotional recovery from those events.

Dedicated to Menuriko, who has been waiting for ages for me to write a 58 story, and to RoAnshi, who only discovered Saiyuki recently, but who has given me regular and enthusiastic encouragement to write this.

Many thanks to Xparrot for the wonderful story that led me to this idea, as well as for generously allowing me to borrow her convention of naming each portion of the story according to the color representing the Ikkou member from whose point of view it's told.

**Whatever It Takes **

**Part I: Distress**

_Red_

Gojyo lies awake beside his partner, their bodies parallel, not touching. He watches a hairline crack in the ceiling take shape in the emerging daylight. He craves a cigarette so badly his fingers twitch with anticipation. But he hesitates to rise, not wanting to wake Hakkai.

"As long as it takes," he has told Hakkai over and over. But it took years, the first time, before Hakkai could forgive himself enough to chance accepting Gojyo's love. And Gojyo doesn't know where he'll find the patience to wait again. He closes his eyes against the cracked ceiling. He needs that cigarette.

-------  
_Green_

"Hey, Hakkai, are we stopping for lunch yet?"

Expecting Gojyo to throttle Goku for the fourth variation on this question in as many minutes, Hakkai pauses before repeating his answer again. But not until he glances back to Gojyo does Gojyo hurl an apple at Goku, grumbling, "Stuff it, Monkey! I'm tired of hearing it already!"

Hakkai sighs. Gojyo's heart isn't in it. He's preoccupied, and Hakkai blames himself; but he can't see his way to fixing things with Gojyo.

When he feels Sanzo watching him, he hides behind an affected chuckle. "Enough fighting, Gojyo! Soon, Goku. We're almost there."

-------  
_Violet_

Sanzo has yielded his usual place in the front seat to Gojyo this afternoon. Beneath his robes his legs are cramping in the tight space behind Hakkai. He ignores the discomfort. Tilting his head back, he takes a long drag on his cigarette, holds the smoke in his lungs for several satisfying seconds, then releases it. The breeze from Jeep's forward motion carries it behind him in a thin stream, while he turns his attention back to the pair in front. He can tell by how hard they've been trying to act as though everything is fine that it isn't.

-------  
_Gold_

While making dinner, Goku requests another lesson in healing. Hakkai agrees, and while Gojyo cleans up afterwards, they settle into a corner to study. It delighted Goku, in the weeks after the nightmare with the red-haired twins, that the first thing Hakkai came to enjoy were their lessons. But tonight he seems distracted. Patient as always. Attentive to questions. Thorough in his explanations. But awkward seconds elapse between Goku's questions and Hakkai's answers. Goku notices Hakkai's gaze drift to the window, unfocused... or to Gojyo. He is saddened to see the haunted look of weeks past back in Hakkai's eyes.


	2. Frustration

**Whatever It Takes  
**

**Part II: Frustration**

_Red_

"Join us?" Gojyo asks. Hakkai declines in favor of showering. When Sanzo leaves, their card-game ended, Hakkai sits in bed reading. Gojyo brushes a damp lock from Hakkai's eyes, then sprawls beside him, head on his shoulder. Hakkai presses a kiss into Gojyo's hair, then returns to his book.

Gojyo savors the moment, missing such affectionate gestures. Dare he hope that tonight will be better? He rises, changes, prepares for bed. Hakkai puts the book aside, lifts the blankets, welcoming Gojyo in. Gojyo's heart flutters as he shuts the light. It's been weeks since Hakkai has been willing to try.

-------  
_Green_

Hakkai lets Gojyo sleep in. He knows Gojyo slept fitfully, frustrated and unsatisfied. Gojyo has not pressed, hasn't once complained. "Give it time, Hakkai. I've waited before." He smiles, hugs Hakkai, and Hakkai feels only love.

Hakkai's hands clench, his gut fist-taut with frustration. He feels no less for Gojyo than before--indeed more; much more. He longs to show Gojyo, to love as he is loved. But his body betrays him, reveals his fears, his guilt, his unworthiness. Intimacy eludes him, lost as he is in soul darkness. Gojyo's inexhaustible patience may not be enough to light his way.

-------  
_Violet_

Hakkai has abandoned pretense today, driving on autopilot, oblivious to Gojyo's efforts to maintain their customary banter. Sanzo smirks to himself. Odd that the half-breed, so talented bluffing at poker, should be so pathetic at masking his feelings. Even if Sanzo didn't see his apprehensive glances at Hakkai, he couldn't miss the subtle tension in Gojyo's posture, the nervous handling of his smokes.

Sanzo has expected Hakkai's recovery to falter. Has hoped setbacks would be brief, disruptions minimal, that Gojyo would see him through. Instead Gojyo is drawn into Hakkai's darkness. Sanzo's eyes narrow with annoyance at the inevitable delay.

------  
_Gold_

They camp outside town limits. Goku senses youkai nearby, and Sanzo won't chance drawing them nearer to people. Goku observes his companions across the fire, Hakkai withdrawn, grim, muscles visibly tight. He eats nothing.

Gojyo toys with his food, repeatedly glancing at Hakkai. Goku sees his own tension magnified in Gojyo's expression. They lock eyes, and he nods understanding. Gojyo's gaze shifts to Sanzo, pleading, and Sanzo gives him similar reassurance. Goku worries, will Hakkai ever fight youkai again without doubts, hesitation, the plague of nightmares afterwards? He curses the twins again for so damaging Hakkai's confidence in their mission.

-------------  
Author's note: Thanks to those who reviewed the first set of drabbles. I appreciate the feedback. There may be a slightly longer lag between this post and part three, as I will be on vacation in Seattle for the coming week. Expect to get the next part up St. Patrick's Day weekend. Cheers to those who wear the green proudly!


	3. Tension

**Whatever It Takes **

**Part III: Tension**

_Red_

Gojyo spoons his body around Hakkai's, as though to shield him from grief over tonight's killing. Hakkai is rigid with remorse, skin clammy with night terror. Exhausting his store of soothing words, Gojyo rests his head against Hakkai's, withholding the kiss he longs to give, lest it be misinterpreted.

Hakkai slowly relaxes, twining his fingers with Gojyo's. Gojyo would offer more, give his body and soul to drown Hakkai's sorrow in the solace of union. But he holds back, wills himself not to harden with desire. Too many times now, that has made Hakkai withdraw, rejecting any comfort at all.

-------  
_Green_

Hakkai squeezes Gojyo's hand in wordless gratitude. The nightmares are fewer each week, but fierce after they fight. Hakkai's intellect grasps the need for their mission, appreciates justifications the others share to ease his guilt, knows that each life he takes saves many others. But his heart rebels. With each strike, he relives the thousand that made him the monster he is.

He waits for Gojyo to kiss him, touch him, offer him absolution in physical union. He is relieved when Gojyo refrains tonight. He can no longer bear his inability to respond and the pain that causes his partner.

-------  
_Violet_

"Sanzo?" Goku climbs into the back seat. Sanzo slides his feet onto the floor to make room. "You okay?"

Sanzo grunts noncommittally, suffering Goku's examination of his bandaged shoulder. "You're freezing!" chides Goku. He retrieves the blankets from their tent.

Sanzo expresses no thanks when Goku tucks a blanket around his shoulders. He blows smoke rings into the dawn sky, Goku snuggled against him. The sky lightens as they watch the smoke rise. "I thought he was better," Goku murmurs into the silence. Minutes pass. "Will they be okay?"

Sanzo exhales slowly. "They will. I won't give them a choice."

------  
_Gold_

It took care to strike a balance between pushing and placating, calming and cajoling; but by day's end Goku had teased Gojyo out of his funk. Even Hakkai, though quiet, seemed less anxious.

Sanzo was short-tempered all day, but Goku can tell he has stopped being angry and is focused now on bringing Hakkai and Gojyo through this. Even when Hakkai's dreams disturb their sleep again tonight, Goku feels lighter, certain of Sanzo's success. He lays his head on Sanzo's chest. "Can we stop awhile, Sanzo? Give them some time?"

"Maybe."

Goku smiles, confident Sanzo will do the right thing.

-------

Sorry for the delay posting this part of the story. I got stuck in Seattle an extra two days because of the east coast storm-related airport closures, and I arrived home innundated with work. Part IV will post much sooner.


	4. Intervention

**Whatever It Takes **

**Part IV: Intervention**

_Red_

Sanzo arrives late to breakfast, lingers over his coffee, newspaper, and cigarettes afterwards. Gojyo puzzles over the monk's unusual behavior.

Only when the innkeeper comes does Sanzo rise. They share a hushed exchange, then Sanzo nods and passes him the gold card.

"Sanzo?" Hakkai inquires.

"Be ready to go in an hour. I've found us a cabin for a few days."

Gojyo's jaw drops. "You what?!"

Sanzo glares at him. "My shoulder's killing me and I'm sick of hearing you and the dumbass monkey argue. I need a break."

The dumbass monkey grins as Sanzo stomps back to their room.

-------  
_Green_

"It's unnecessary," Hakkai tells Sanzo, sitting in the afternoon sun. The others' splashing and laughter drift up from the lake. "I'm fine, really. We don't have time."

"No, we don't. But you're not fine, and the fool cockroach can't be when you aren't." Sanzo crushes a butt in the sparse grass. "We said we'd give you whatever time you need."

Before Hakkai can respond, Gojyo comes up the hill, toweling his hair. Sanzo looks squarely at Hakkai. "Fix it," he commands, not without compassion.

He leaves abruptly, Gojyo taking his place. "You should take a swim, Hakkai. The water's fine."

-------  
_Violet_

Gojyo follows Sanzo out to the porch for a late-night smoke. They're on their second cigarettes when Gojyo murmurs, "Thanks, Sanzo."

"Make the time worthwhile, kappa."

"I wish I knew what to do."

Sanzo suspects what's wrong. "Stop pressuring," he advises.

"I'm not!"

"You do. Always expecting him to accept your comfort on your terms. Has it occurred to you that he needs to be your caretaker? Wants to fill your needs on his terms? Damn fool. Try accepting what he needs to give you even if he can't let you return it."

Sanzo takes satisfaction from Gojyo's dumbfounded expression.

-------  
_Gold_

They lie on their backs under a thick blanket of stars. Goku asks, "Is it the nightmares again, Hakkai?"

A long pause. "It's more the feelings they raise, Goku."

Goku turns toward Hakkai, reassuring. "Our fighting isn't like that, Hakkai. If it's wrong, then we're all guilty. Gojyo hates it when you take that guilt on yourself. Me, too. Especially if that's what's making things hard between you."

Hakkai smiles faintly. "Does it show that much, Goku?"

"We learned things about each other, Hakkai, that week without you. We hurt when you're hurting. I want us all to stop hurting."

-------

Author's Note: A big thanks to those of you who have left feedback. It's much appreciated. I have been inundated with RL lately, but I'm hoping to post the last two sets of drabbles more quickly.


	5. Reprieve

Note: A slight cheat on this chapter. I just couldn't capture the mood I wanted for Gojyo and Hakkai in only 100 words each for their two pieces in this set. So Hakkai's piece is a double drabble: 200 words.

**Whatever It Takes **

**Part V: Reprieve**

_Red_

Gojyo slouches in the plush sofa, mesmerized by the panorama outside. Tall trees emerge from darkness, sentinels guarding the mysteries under the mist at their feet. Captivated by the shifting vapors and glimpses of water beneath, he fails to hear his partner enter. Arms slipping round his neck startle him. He grasps them, turning to kiss the cheek pressed against his. Suspended in silence, they watch the sunrise, the mist dispersed by fingers of light that deposit glitter on the lake's surface. Hakkai comes round and nestles beside him to share as tender a kiss as they've had in weeks.

-------  
_Green_

"This is becoming a pattern," Hakkai whispers against Gojyo's neck, "you seeing the dawn."

"Never knew what I was missing," replies Gojyo.

"Sorry," murmurs Hakkai, assuming blame for Gojyo's sleeplessness.

"Don't be. This is worth it."

Gojyo's ease dissolves the anxiety Hakkai felt upon awakening to cool empty sheets. He seeks another kiss. Gojyo obliges with an affectionate peck, then sprawls against the arm of the couch, pulling Hakkai with him. They sink into the embracing cushions.

Gojyo's next kiss, at first light and tentative, deepens into a languorous exploration of each other's mouths. Hakkai tenses, but forces himself to relax when Gojyo pulls back, showing no signs of wanting more. Gojyo rests his head against Hakkai's. Hakkai's hair stirs as he breathes into it, "Gods, I love you, Hakkai."

Hakkai squeezes his arms around Gojyo, his chest so tight with emotion that it chokes his response until he can relax into Gojyo's hug. "And I you, Gojyo."

He feels Gojyo relax beneath him, his whole body seeming to sigh in relief. Hakkai closes his eyes against the strengthening sunlight and is lulled into dozing by the rise and fall of Gojyo's chest with the steady breaths of deep sleep.

-------  
_Violet_

Sanzo hears the screen door bang, Goku's barefoot tread. "Finally sick of the water?" he asks as Goku enters their room, hair and shorts still damp.

"It's getting cooler, and I'm hungry. Walk into town to get dinner with me? I told Gojyo we would."

"You will then. I'm busy," he scowls from behind his book.

"You've been reading all day. It'll feel good to move."

"It feels good to read."

"You'll get hungry."

"You'll bring dinner."

Goku pulls his shirt on without answering. Sanzo can tell by the set of his jaw that he's out to win this argument.

-------  
_Gold_

Arguing seldom works, but Goku has mastered many means to get his way with Sanzo.

Jeans unzipped, shirt open, he straddles Sanzo's lap, plucking the book from his hands. Sanzo's eyes flash, but before he can protest, Goku stoppers his mouth. He presses through Sanzo's shove, lips and tongue working, releasing Sanzo's pinned wrists only when he succumbs, as Goku knew he would.

"Stops me reading," Sanzo says, slightly breathless. "Not likely to get me out."

Goku sits up, turning serious. "They need some time alone. Come with me."

"Damn you," Sanzo groans, but rises and slips into his robe.


	6. Recovery

Note: This is the part of the story for which I gave it a "Mature" rating. If the m/m pairing you've read so far has not been to your liking, you may want to turn away now lest you be offended.

**  
**

**Whatever It Takes **

**Part VI: Recovery**

_Red_

Gojyo loses count of the laps Hakkai swims before turning over to float. When he finally swims to shore, Gojyo meets him at water's edge with a towel. His skin is translucent under the water streaming off him, his lips blue with cold.

Gojyo wraps his arms around him, rubbing his back, and warms his lips the best way he knows. When Hakkai responds in kind, Gojyo reacts with need and desire beyond his control, hard in seconds, but thrumming with anxiety at how Hakkai will respond. "I'm sorry, Hakkai. I can't help what you do to me."

"I know."

-------  
_Green_

Hakkai strips off his own trunks, then Gojyo's, eyes locked on Gojyo's. He pushes Gojyo onto the bed, settles between his legs, and swallows his erection in a single fluid motion.

Gojyo arches into him, crying out, fingers clutching Hakkai's hair. "Hakkai," he rasps, pushing Hakkai off.

Hakkai pushes him back. "Please, Gojyo. I want this."

Gojyo stops resisting when Hakkai goes back down on him. His release is rapid and intense, his body wracked by shudders. "Hakkai," he murmurs when Hakkai slides up and takes him in his arms.

"Shh," sighs Hakkai. "Later," and kisses him long and leisurely.

-------  
_Violet_

When they return, the table is set for dinner, and Hakkai and Gojyo are playing cards. Seeing Gojyo's smile, Hakkai's relaxed posture, Sanzo knows Goku's instincts to leave them alone were right.

After dinner they play mahjong well into the night. Lying in bed later, Sanzo tries not to hear the sounds of lovemaking from the adjacent room.

Goku rolls atop him. "Sanzo?" Moonlight glimmers in his eyes. "It's good, hearing them." Sanzo wraps his arms round Goku, ready for his kiss. It's not the first time Goku's moved to start something by what they overhear from a next-door room.

------  
_Gold_

Goku is making breakfast with Hakkai when Gojyo finally wakes up. "About time," he teases. Gojyo ignores him to kiss Hakkai.

They join Sanzo on the deck to eat. "We're ready to go, yes?" Sanzo levels a piercing look first at Hakkai, then at Gojyo. Hakkai nods. "Already packed," says Gojyo.

By evening they are miles away. Sanzo has joined Goku in back. Goku leans against him, watching the sun slip toward the horizon. Backlit by setting sunlight, Hakkai leans slightly toward Gojyo, Gojyo's arm resting on his shoulders. Goku grins. For the moment all is right with the world.

Owari

Thanks to those who have followed this story and commented. Your response is greatly appreciated. For those who would like more... The two friends to whom I dedicated this story were slightly disappointed that I decided to tell it in drabbles rather than in my customary detailed prose. For them--and for myself--I have also written the last two parts, "Reprieve" and "Recovery," as a narrative story with more detail and stronger sexual images. If you're interested in reading that as well, you'll find it posted on my LJ, which is also "Stitcher2Ficcer." You can get to it from the home page link in my ff-dot-net profile. It's in the March 21, 2007 entry, which--as of this post--is my most recent entry.


End file.
